The past year.

The past year.

This blog post may be a little different as it’s not solely based on my leg or amputation, although it is still a major part in this, but as a reflection of my life this past year and how things have changed for me because sometimes it’s nice to look back and see how far you’ve come.
This time last year I feel I was at quite a low point in my life, I was close to finishing my first year at sixth form which for those who knew me then was not a place I wanted to be. I had my life planned when I began sixth form, chosen my future career path I wanted to pursue and as the months went on it was clear that it wasn’t the best option for me. I am very much a hands on person, I learn by doing things. Not by revising or studying things but by actually having a go at them, so the subjects I had chosen weren’t right for me. Realising that for myself my motivation for the path I had chosen became none existent and it was obvious to my teachers that I wasn’t going to be getting anywhere. I was walking out of my classes or choosing to not turn up to them, hiding myself in the common room or going to speak to the support teacher about leaving. I made an appointment at the college closest to me but it was too late to start a course and they told me to just stick it out at sixth form. I was determined to get out, I didn’t want to get my mum in trouble by not attending school so I began looking for an apprenticeship or full time job. I was lucky enough to have found an apprenticeship that appealed to me. Good old Superdrug, my favourite place to go for drugstore cosmetics and now my potential workplace! The day after I applied for it I had an email telling me I was put forward for a phone call interview later that day and after the phone call I was invited to go for an interview with the manager in store. I remember being so nervous but it going so so well and her telling me there and then that the apprenticeship was mine if I wanted it. Something was finally looking up for me. I obviously accepted it straight away and having the feeling of a huge weight lifted of my shoulders. I was finally going to be out of the place that made me miserable. I also had a part time job at a garden centre in the restaurant section at the time and remember having a shift after the interview. I gave in my notice the following day and began to focus on my brighter future. Working in retail wasn’t something I ever imagined myself doing or being good at but it was a risk worth taking, it’s just over a year since I started my apprenticeship and I can honestly say it was one of the best decisions I’ve made. I like speaking to new people and being that friendly face that they remember and like coming back too! 
Being at Superdrug was a test for my dodgy foot. Walking around on it and being on it longer than usual made it hard for me but I wasn’t going to let it stop me, I’ve never ever wanted my leg/foot to stop me doing anything. A couple of months after starting superdrug the thought of amputation came back to mind. It was always a choice I wanted to make but one I thought I never would. After the first hospital appointment ,beginning the process of it all, I told my manager and the people I work with ,they were all super supportive. That’s another reason I enjoy working where I do, I work with the most loveliest and understanding people! 
After the amputation my motivation was still going strong and my positivity remained but after the first month or so my moods took a turn and it became a lot harder to deal with mentally. From going to speak to hundreds of people a day to 3 or 4 it was hard for me. I started to feel lonely and isolated. However that was nobody else’s fault, I had to remember that everyone else still had a life to carry on with whilst mine was going steady. My friends made the effort to see me when possible and we even had a few outings to get me out the house but it just didn’t seem enough. I felt selfish for being annoyed when everyone had other plans or couldn’t get round to see me but throughout the day I only had myself as company and when all you’re doing is being negative you just need an escape. 

Something I won’t go into too much detail about but will still add in seeing as it’s been a part of my year, I finally cut off ties with my biological dad. There’s a whole other story as to why but it was something I felt strongly about. I was waiting until my 18th for then he no longer had the need to be in my life and I was able to wave him off. I am however blessed to have my step dad that from day 1 filled that position to be my dad.

The month my birthday came around just felt like a race against time to get my prosthetic leg, get walking and get out. I’d always been looking forward to my 18th and finally being legal to go out and enjoy a drink with my friends but looking back now I probably rushed it. On the day of my birthday i was able to take my prosthetic leg home and would have been able to go out the weekend of my birthday like I’d always wanted too. I did really enjoy myself and have done every other time I’ve gone out but probably in a different way than others or not as much as I’d have liked. 
Going out with friends is always a tricky one for me. I fight myself in my own head. It’s like I go out and I get excited to be out and can enjoy myself but at the same time I’m overthinking everything. Is the floor okay for me to walk on? Are people looking? Are they judging? When can I sit down? These things seem so silly when I look back on them because I usually don’t care what people think of me, I am who I am at the end of the day but when I’m out I try so hard to fit in instead of feeling as though I’m sticking out. A lot of people aren’t bothered, as far as they’re concerned I’m just another person but then you’ve got the judgmental people who stare and talk. It’s never got me down to a point where it’s stopped me from going out but it’s always in the back of my mind. You’ve got some people who look at the leg or the walking sticks before they look at me or get to know me and just act differently, I wish that wasn’t the case but I suppose it’s how people are. Outfits are a nightmare to pick out, you want to look nice and wear something you would have usually wore but then the leg just doesn’t work with it and you then end up feeling uncomfortable. The worst thing also is having gorgeous friends, I can go out with the girls and be so proud of them when they end up pulling someone or can joke with them when they’ve pulled and hadn’t wanted too but for once I’d love to be in that position, I feel like my friends are the loveliest main course and I’m that bit of salad at the side that everybody leaves . I’m hoping that in time these feelings and thoughts will go and I’ll eventually be so used to it that it will be my new “normal” until then it’s something I’m putting up with. 


At the moment I’m currently off work again and pausing my life due to an infection I’d been so unlucky to have gotten. I feel as though it had probably been building for some time but then just suddenly came out over night. The positive out of it all though is that after being taken to hospital (in an ambulance, twice! Which was on my bucket list…don’t ask) is that we think it has now gone. I was quite poorly for a couple of days and had to have a small operation to remove the infection but now I’m just on oral antibiotics and resting. It’s boring and frustrating but it’s something that will pass. 
I feel this may have been the longest blog I’ve ever done and I hope, if you’ve managed to finish it, that it didn’t bore you too much! I’ve not done a blog for a while due to just not knowing what to write about but I’m hoping to get back into it again and be a bit more regular with positing again! Thank you for reading this little autobiography of the past year of my life haha! 
Chloe, x

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Getting on with it

Getting on with it

I’m not too sure really on how to begin this blog, I feel as though I’ve not wrote in a while just because like the title says I’ve been “getting on with it”. Since taking my prosthetic leg home I’ve just been adapting to what now is my life. 

I am now back at work, on a phase return and couldn’t be happier to have some normality back in my life. The first day was hard, I felt a bag of nerves feeling like it was my first day at a new job but knowing everything I needed to do and I was certainly not a newbie! As it got to the end of my shift I started to feel okay again, I’d had such a long time off not really talking to many new people that I just didn’t feel comfortable to do so, but I did it. Now when I’m at work I feel as though I’ve never been away, my confidence in talking to people is back and like I’ve said before it’s that little bit of normality back in my life that I needed. 
Since turning 18 I’ve also been able to live the life of a normal 18 year old when it comes to going down town with friends. I’ve not really stopped to be honest! When I first had my operation and even before I didn’t think I’d be able to go out so soon but I’m so grateful that things have worked out in my favour and that I’ve been able to go out. My first thoughts on going down town were that I wouldn’t be able to do it or enjoy myself as much as I wanted too, it would be too busy and people wouldn’t understand, I was completely wrong. Although it is a busy environment to be in ,everyone I see is always so lovely to me and no matter how drunk they are, completely understandable. Obviously you get the odd one or two that look at you differently or shove about but it’s expected. I must get at least 5/6 people every time I go out come and ask me what I’ve done to my leg or come and say how they admire me for going out. I like the people who do have it in them to come and speak to me, it’s nice that they can speak to me and judge me on what they know than guess and judge me based on what they can see. 


Another thing I never expected so quickly and won’t go too much into is someone being interested in me. I’m still young so the whole dating and talking to boys thing is still something that I’m getting used to. I didn’t think it would be easy to find someone who would be interested whilst I go through this change. Especially at my age, you have to find someone mature to understand and be okay with it. However finding someone who can accept you for who you are and the massive change,you’re still accepting yourself is such a good feeling. I’ve had one person in particular who will more than likely read this and tell me off for mentioning him who has been a real help in keeping my confidence up and making me feel normal in a very bizarre situation. I couldn’t be more grateful and he knows that. 
My family and friends are still major supportive and so patient. Pushing me on to keep going, at the moment it’s felt like I’ve been in a bit of a pit. Just stuck with no more progression or major events to keep me going but after speaking and opening up to them I feel better about getting the motivation back to keep going. 

Also thought I would try and reenact some photos from when I first had my amputation to now, as a bit of a reflection on how far I’ve come 

Chloe x

The next step forward

The next step forward

I’ve been so excited to write this blog post, keeping it until now to share has been hard but the majority of people already know now. I have my prosthetic leg!! 

I went to my physio session on Wednesday 12th April, my 18th birthday and came away with 2 legs instead of 1! The best birthday present to receive! I’ve been working hard in my physio sessions to make sure that I could have it for this week. My goal seemed unrealistic with it being so soon since first trying the leg but it’s home! 
I kept from sharing this news until after I had my party because I wanted to surprise my family and friends. Some friends I couldn’t keep it a secret from and was dying to show them but it was still a nice surprise for the people who came to my party. 
I haven’t quite mastered the dancing with the prosthetic leg so my dancing consisted of standing in one place and just moving my top half but I still had an amazing time. I’m finally getting up and about again! 
In my physio sessions I managed to go from bars to frame to sticks in just one session! Since then I have conquered my fear of walking on uneven surfaces such as grass and gravel. This was something I’d been a bit unsure of. I’ve never been able to walk on uneven surfaces before just because my foot wasn’t able to move to help me stay upright, it was a difficult one. Trying it with my prosthetic leg though was amazing, it felt so easy and normal to not avoid grass and still have a conversation whilst doing so because I didn’t have to concentrate so much.
There’s still a long way to go yet but I’m making progress very quickly and hope that it won’t be too long. I don’t want to rush anything and know that things take time and things have to be paced but it’s still a long way from where I was, as long as I’m moving forward that’s what matters.
I also got to enjoy my first night down town with my friends this weekend which was something I was unsure I’d be able to do so soon and feel so comfortable doing it. A couple of people look which is expected but besides that I just felt like a normal 18 year old enjoying a night out with her friends. It was also nice to see some people I hadn’t seen for a while.
This week has been a good week for me in a long time. I’ve been around all the people I love and had the best present. My family and friends have spoilt me and helped make my week an amazing one, which I couldn’t be more grateful for! 
Chloe x

It’s tough sometimes

It’s tough sometimes

Hi guys!! So finally some of you may already know that I have my prosthetic leg, only problem is it doesn’t exactly fit right…but we’re working on it! I’m hoping that Thursday will be a better day when it comes to my next leg fitting because last weeks disappointment was too much to handle. Although I’d been told that it takes some adjusting until it’s perfect I was hoping it would go as well as everything else had done but it hadn’t. I still agreed to do some physio sessions whilst waiting so I’ve been learning to kick with my prosthetic,stepping and a couple of walks but it’s super uncomfortable at the minute so I’m holding off until my next fitting on Thursday. 

I was really hoping I’d be more confident walking and have my leg close to taking home before my birthday but that doesn’t look likely now which is ,again, disappointing because it’s my 18th but if I rush it, it will affect the rest of my life so I’m going to have to wait a few more weeks before I’m heading out to the clubs! 

That’s an exciting thing though, next week is my birthday! It’s something to look forward too because at the minute I haven’t got much keeping me going. Everyday I do near to nothing because my family are working and my friends are either at college or working so it’s a bit of a bummer really but it’s life and life goes on. It’s difficult on me mentally having to deal with myself 24/7 and I’d be lying if I said it was easy, it isn’t. I’ve never been one to deal well with things like feelings and emotions especially when they’re negative, I end up taking it on the people closest to me and pushing them away which doesn’t help my loneliness, I’m trying my hardest to cope with it in my own way but sometimes it’s not the right way. I’m just trying to tell myself that there’s not long left now. My main goal is to be back at work as soon as possible, I’m so used to interacting with so many different people a day that just having myself makes me feel lonely sometimes. 
On the plus side, we’re closer to the finish than we are from the start. I have to give myself some credit that I’ve already got a prosthetic leg and learning to walk so quickly, I did only have my amputation a little over 2 months ago and so much has happened since then. 
I apologise if this blog post seems a bit of a downer but it’s an update of my journey in my life so not all the time are things smiles and rainbows. I’m lucky really that through it all this is probably my only down moment and hopefully we can come past this and get back on that positive path! 
I’m hoping next weeks blog will be more exciting with it being my birthday week and more will be happening!!

Chloe x

Walking, Feelings and Limbless Association.

Walking, Feelings and Limbless Association.

Hi guys, For saying I literally do nothing all day I’m not very good with keeping this blog up to date! Nearly a week later than when I said I’d post but anywhere here I am!
So in my last blog post I was saying how in my next physio session they’d be getting me up walking! Well I did it! I did my very first steps, not with my own prosthetic leg but with the dummy one. 

It’s a little bit harder to walk with this dummy one than it will be with my own prosthetic leg because it stops my knee from bending so it’s a bit of a weird walk really! To begin with it felt strange, like walking on a dead foot, you know something’s holding you up but you just can’t actually feel that floor for yourself, in some strange way though it was nice. For the first time in my life I stepped my right leg down and didn’t get a pain from my foot/ankle! 
I’ve done 2 walking sessions now and the second one was, to me, absolutely amazing. I didn’t feel the need to hold on as tight to the bars besides me and my confidence in walking reached a new level! However to say this whole thing is going to be easy would be a lie. For as long as I’ve been able to walk and I’ve never walked “normally” and had my own little way of doing so. Having support from sticking my foot off to the side or taking more support through one leg,my hips and my back it’s going to be a difficult habit to break from. 


It’s like your entire life you’ve walked in a way that to you was normal and then suddenly you’ve got to stop it, it’s not normal and you’re being trained to walk an entirely new way that everyone else finds simple, it’s natural. To me not so natural. 

Something I don’t like is change, so everything being different is taking some time to get used too. 
Recently I’ve felt more vulnerable to comments than what I ever have done and stares from people. I’ve never had a problem with being different because it wasn’t really noticeable before, unless you saw me walking. However now, you can visibly see I’m different. I know having one leg doesn’t make me a different person, but it definitely makes me stand out and right now I do not wish to be standing out. I’m not ashamed of being an amputee or regret it one bit, but it does make people treat you differently. I suppose because people have treated me as if I’m vulnerable it’s began to make me feel it? I am trying though, to keep my old self going and embracing this change. Maybe it’s a change that everybody goes through at different points in there life and I’m just noticing mine more?

On a positive note, I’ve been noticing that my blogs are reaching more people, even in different countries! Places I’ve never visited or know anyone from and the people that I do know tell me how they enjoy my blogs and how informative they are. I never expected such a positive reaction from this. I expected to post one and then take it down and keep it private for myself incase nobody was interested, but it turns out quite a few of you are so that’s something that makes me happy. 
Whether this blog helps other people like me going through the same situation or just informs people things they didn’t know so they could help others it’s all for good reason! And on that topic, I recently came across a page called Limbless Association. This page has people who have different missing limbs and volunteers who help amputees like myself. At the moment they’re wanting to widen their exposure I suppose you could call it? Right now the page are needing signatures so that more people can find it. From the last time I checked it only needed a little over 40 more. All it takes is to click on the link that I will post on the end and signing in to either your Facebook or twitter and clicking the red support button. It won’t spam you with anything or hack your social media it’s just letting them know you’ve recognised them and you never know, one day you or someone you know may need them! I know that I get well over 200 views in just the first day of uploading so if only half of you signed that would help out massively. It’s 2 minutes of your time to help others without much effort really and it really will help! 

https://www.thunderclap.it/projects/53960-march-with-us-into-march?locale=en

If you’ve got this far then you’ve reached the end of today’s blog! Thank you for keeping with me! 

Chloe,x

Nothing can stop me

Nothing can stop me

It’s been a little while since my last blog post and that’s purely because I’ve been focusing on recovery and getting out and about but I promise to start regular updates again!

In this blog post it’s just going to be a little update on what I’ve been up too and how I’ve coped because quite a bit has happened.

 To begin with I went to a gig/concert I’m not really sure what to call it. Before my operation I had booked these tickets with my best friend Amira to see a band called Mic Lowry. Mum had told me it was silly to book the tickets as we were unsure of the operation date and it would be likely I wouldn’t get to go so would end up wasting my money and being disappointed. Well…I’m bloody glad I went against her on this one because we went and it was amazing! It was one of my main goals to get out of hospital and be in as little pain as possible to I could enjoy this night and I did it! We also bumped into two girls that we had met at the last one which was cute because we didn’t even plan too!

What made that night even better was the fact we got to meet them after the show, wheelchair users obviously got to go first!!!

I also went to my friends 18th birthday party the other day. To me this was a big one, although I didn’t show it. I was going to a house mainly with people I didn’t know and that didn’t know me or about my amputation. Turns out I made good friends with 2 girls from there and everyone was pretty understanding, I didn’t get spoken about or treated differently like I thought I might have and even ended up dancing to Macarena (with the odd occasion of falling down on the sofa and getting back up again) and leaning on Emily who helped me stay up whilst I danced! 
Emily will kill me for using this picture but look how normal we look, you’d never tell I was balancing on one leg!

Those 2 are my biggest achievements so far, other than those I’ve also been shopping with my brother, Amira and mum and dad and even braved getting into the taxi in my wheelchair with my brother! Besides the day trips my physio sessions have been amazing too!


Each session, to me, is better and better. Obviously that’s what you expect, progress, but I never thought that the progress I’ve made so far would happen this quickly. All of my bandages are off, I have just the one covering my wound and that is literally just resting on it not stuck down and has a sock covering and my Juzo. I guess you’re wondering what a Juzo actually is. Well it’s just simply a compression sock, what I find better about this is I can take it off at night and it’s also like a darker skin tone colour to my own so it isn’t massively noticeable. Ever since I’ve had it it’s made my phantom sensations calm down and made no end of difference, I didn’t think I’d like it but I proved myself wrong!  

This is the Juzo, you can see how it compresses everything by the fat at the top of my leg! Please ignore how hairy it is too, I’ve not been able to shave my leg yet!

Today I tried a compression bag, this is what my leg will be in when I learn to put weight through my leg! They only put the pressure to half of what it will be when I’m actually standing but it wasn’t actually that bad, my next session is Monday…so that means Monday they’ll be getting me standing up and testing out my weight bearing, my excitement for this is massive! I was also told today that it may only be 3 weeks until I get casted for my prosthetic leg! Only 8 weeks after my amputation! It’s so exciting because my birthday is round about 6 weeks away so I hope and pray I may have my leg in time all going well! 
Right now I’m in a very good place, I have my odd moments when I feel a tad low or uncomfortable with my leg but they soon pass when I put everything into prospective and realise how far I’ve come in such a little time period. I couldn’t be more proud of myself. Everything is looking up for once!
My next blog will more than likely be Monday evening, hopefully with good news on the physio session! 
Thank you for reading and your constant support
Chloe,x
(Ps. My featured photo is from my mirror therapy, although it really does look as though I’ve got 2 normal legs haha!)

Phantom pain

Phantom pain

Hello guys!
I thought instead of an update I’d talk about phantom pain. I suppose it is an update as the reason I’m writing this is because it’s what I’m experiencing but it’s going to be solely based on my experience with phantom pain.
Before my operation I was told and sort of already had heard about Phantom Pain. For those unsure what phantom pain is its a pain that feels as though it is coming from a body part that is no longer there, strange right? Doctors believed it was a psychological problem until experts recognised that these real sensations originate in the brain or spinal cord, basically meaning for me that my brain is not used to the fact my foot has gone and is still sending signals to my nerves.
I was told that my phantom pain would feel like the pain I experienced when I had my foot. I can tell you now that is a lie. Yes, I do get the odd old pain I used to have but I also have some new ones. For a week after the operation I was lucky as I had only phantom sensations not pains but the past 2 days my heads been so messed about with the fact my foot isn’t there but I can feel it, I can feel the individual sensations in my toes, heel pains, pin pricks in the ball of my foot. It’s felt so real, that is until I’ve looked down and seen that still my foot isn’t there.
I constantly have the sensation of pins and needles so whilst I write this in bed with my leg not in sight, it’s hard to believe my foot isn’t actually there. Many times now I have been on my crutches and gone to put my foot down to then realise it was a mistake. Don’t get me wrong it’s not all bad, some phantom limb sensations are good, it’s oddly still nice to feel my foot now and again as I do miss it sometimes, it’s just the shock pains I get that I don’t expect that then makes me jump out of my seat and makes it look like I have some form of Tourette’s that I don’t particularly enjoy.
So the sorts of sensations I’ve been getting have been shock pains that come unexpectedly. They hurt the most, I can just have one every couple of minutes or hours but I can have an episode of them where I get 4/5 at once. That is when I am broken down into tears because it can be unbearable for someone like me who is no good with pain. Other sensations have felt like the ones I had when I was in my external fixator, I sometimes feel the pin in the back of my heel or the pins and needles I used to get when putting my leg down with the frame on. Toe pains are the weirdest. You can feel the individual toes that hurt, it’s usually my big toe and it feels like someone is pinching it, or sometimes I get a sore little toe like a shoes been rubbing on it for too long.  
What’s frustrating is the fact there is no cure for it, although I’m on medication for it, it’s not helping the way I wish I were. I know it’s doing something slowly but I need the instant relief, which at the moment is sleep. Unless it’s that intense that it wakes me up. That’s when you’ve got to accept the fact it could be a long day/night ahead.
If someone is reading this who is choosing to go for an amputation I do not want this to put you off, all phantom pains are different, the odd intensity of mine might not even happen for someone else. You could even be lucky enough to not have any pain just sensations.
Although I get the odd pains I do not regret my amputation one bit. It’s exciting to think I could go on holiday and get to go sight seeing without complaining my foot hurts, or even when I turn 18 and start going out I can have a dance with my friends and not stand in one place because my foot hurts in the smallest heels. What I keep telling myself is that phantom limb pain does not last forever. Eventually my brain will catch up and go “hey your foot isn’t there, let’s give you a break.” Oh the day!
You can try, I certainly did before the operation, to imagine what phantom limb pain is like, but until you go through it you could never ever imagine exactly what it’s like. I remember nights where I sat and thought to myself what it could be like and whether I could deal with it. Obviously now I have no choice but I’m dealing with it. I’m only in my 2nd week of being an amputee and for saying I should have still been in hospital right now, I think I’m doing a bloody good job if I do say so myself. Self encouragement is what I’m having to work on at the moment, I’m getting support left, right and centre from friends and family and although they can give me encouragement I have to give it to myself 24/7 to get me through my day. 
Hopefully soon I’ll have better ways of dealing with my phantom pains but until then I’m just coping the best way I can.
Chloe,X